FOMO that becomes Saudade

Last weekend was two of my favorite events: Relay for Life and Songfest.

Relay for Life, Spring 2013

Songfest, Spring 2012

Yesterday, was International Reunion Day:

PC '11, IRD 2014

My FOMO (fear of missing out) was at an all time high. Thank goodness for Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook and text message updates. Things you take for granted as an active, seem to have a deeper meaning as an alum.

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you''ll never be this way ever again." - Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran 

I don't feel like anyone can fully prepare you for what comes after college. Graduating is hard. Not graduation with the cap decorating and walking across the stage but rather the act of graduating and what that means. For the past 4 years you've worked towards learning, earning and achieving your goal- finishing your degree and receiving your diploma. But no one explains what comes next.

Which is sitting on the sidelines while you watch life pass you by. The job search- while you aren't the first person to ever do it- it is entirely your journey and therefor it's groundbreaking. While I am one to daydream and daydream often: what to say, what to wear, how to act- I don't often daydream about the NOW, the real deal. For example, I knew college would eventually come to an end... I daydreamed and pinned(gotta love Pinterest) mortar board designs and what to wear on the BIG DAY... I never thought realistically about walking across the EJ Thomas Hall stage and getting my diploma (which is good cause it came in the mail a month later). So now I'm living in the NOW. I can't daydream of ideals or the future because I'm still working to find an entrance to the dream. I don't have the safety or luxury of the 4 years in one place simply learning and thriving that college brings. Being solely in the present is challenging. Being there alone is terrifying.

In a goodbye letter from my best friend she wrote, "I'm kind of in this weird limbo where I KNOW you didn't die, but like, I don't know Akron without you, so at the same time it's kind of like you died." And really it does feel like that. Not to skip to the end or be insensitive to the actual dead. But that's how it sometimes feels like I died, or rather a part of me did. And I suppose Nafisi is right, "you'll miss the person you are now at this time". I graduated in December, 4 months ago... and yet I feel as if it's been years. It could be that I now live 2 1/2 hours away from my home away from home or it could be that because I was enjoying this hiatus from the real world, and thus only just recently started to care about the days of the week again. So while I've been alone treading this new path towards my post grad, KJB adult life- my friends have been together doing what I've come to deem as normal and easy. We're at two different stages in our life paths.

"What I'm trying to say is that wonder can often run parallel to loneliness." - Caroline Calloway

So I've started to find solace in the work of Marina Keegan and the life of Caroline Calloway.
Millennial darlings with incredible stories and fascinating inspirations.

Calloway quoted David Foster Wallace in one of her blog posts, "the reason we have books is so that we feel less lonely." She goes on to say, "social media often has the opposite effect and makes everybody feel more lonely." How true that is. It's the main reason FOMO is such a popular acronym, that and Lord (Scott) Disick.

Saudade: a longing or nostalgia for something you never had. 

So while I'm forging ahead on this path, whenever I check my social media, to see my friends- I'm always hit with saudade, wishing for something that never was. 

Being a grown up is hard. But I take comfort in knowing no one else knows what they're doing either.

xo,

KJB

I take great comfort that everything will be alright when in the end. 

We Survive

I have been to see three great movies recently: Cinderella, Insurgent and Furious 7... I've seen Furious 7 twice and yesterday I took my sister to see Cinderella for my second viewing cause it was just so good and needed to be shared. Now if only I could see Insurgent again!

Here's a text I sent a few friends when I saw it originally:

So I went to see Cinderella today… The story was slightly different- I was fully enthralled until I was like- wait- why isn’t Jason Alexander singing about the ball & then I hate Helena Bonham Carter and I was like nah- give me Whitney- but then she left, like usual and the story was really good. Good acting. Great costumes. It was stellar. Obviously Rogers & Hammerstein is my favorite- like Whitney and Brandy singing… A white man and a black woman having an Asian son— it can’t be topped. But this was an excellent movie and I want to own it.

And so I'll leave you with a quote from the prince:
"Cinderella does not need Prince Charming. She’s be fine without him. […] My job was to create a prince that was worthy of her affection. She would be fine without him. That’s the character. She’s strong and brave and doesn’t need him. Actually they bring out the best in each other and that’s why I wanted to do this because it wasn’t that slightly old-fashioned message and probably not the best message to tell children, that you need a man with a big house and lots of money to rescue you from your terrible life. Actually you need somebody that brings out the best in you and encourages you." - Richard Madden

The second viewing was still enjoyable, though while I cried multiple times in the initial viewing, I wasn't able to get as into it as previously because the audience situation was less than ideal... There was a child who was probably too young to be there, and a woman actually took a phone call as it was beginning, I can't even get into that at the moment. It was a serious, "not today, Satan" moment. 

With that being said, I can't help but still love the fact that this adaptation has come out. In a time where Lily James, Cinderella, will call out interviewers for their shallow questions. Along with Richard Madden, Prince Charming aka Kit, saying that the goal was to find someone that together you're better people, not for someone to save you or make you whole. Because Ella is already whole on her own. 

I was an avid protestor of a new adaptation of Cinderella, when you think about it-- she's quite obviously Disney's favorite princess and there are quite clearly so many adaptations already. And while Whitney & Brandy will always be the Fairy Godmother and Cinderella in my book, Rogers & Hammerstein is quite clearly the most magical movie from my childhood-- I am a huge fan of this movie. It may be age, it may be the way they chose to tell the story, but I took something away from Cinderella that I've never noticed before. Her name is really Ella...jk, well kinda- I'm not sure why at 23, it took me this long to realize she did in fact have a real name but I digress. Cinderella has the saddest story of all the princesses... Her beloved mother died and then her beloved father and the person who had been entrusted to guard her and keep her safe turned against her and yet she never allowed it to define her and/or change her. 

Kimmy Schmidt, from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (if you haven't seen the Netflix original series, please do), said it best when she said, "We (women) survive." 

And that's a powerful message for young girls and even women to take away. "To see the world not as it is but as it could be."

have courage and be kind

xxoo

KJB 

KJB Goes to the Movies

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Yesterday mid-morning, I went to see Insurgent with my mom and sister. While this is my favorite book in the series, much like Catching Fire-- where the lows are manageable because the highs give us what we want... and the author has yet to strain our emotions. The verdict is still out on my feelings on the movie. While most definitely entertaining, it didn't hold a candle to the book. But really-- when does it ever? My biggest issue was that they were often times SO CLOSE to being accurate... why not just go the whole way?! These are things I'll never understand.

Then last night, I went with a friend to see Furious 7. The Fast and Furious franchise is easily one of my favorite movie franchises. The plots, the characters, the music and the fast cars- what more do you need? This franchise always brings out the most amazing juxtaposition of people. 

It was emotional to say the least. I knew that seeing Paul Walker again would be difficult. Since his untimely death in November 2013, I was conflicted, excited and sad to see another FAST movie and to see how they finished off the movie without PW. The tribute at the end was so beautiful and too much. I'm having the hardest time not crying just thinking about it. This movie did not disappoint in the slightest. 

 

I feel a lot about Paul Walker's death that I do about Robin Williams... it's unbelievably sad to see one of your favorite actors die. The feelings, the grief accompanied with death-- I find it nearly impossible how to articulate how I feel. I remember vividly wishing the news of PW would be a hoax, I remember not accepting it until the cast were releasing statements. I've never been good with change. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when my series end, when characters die, so why not when an actor that you feel you know dies. 

I think death is hard because we're forced to think about how precious and fleeting our time on earth is:

So let the light guide your way hold every memory
As you go and every road you take will always lead you home

It's been a long day without you my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

xoxo 

KJB

For Paul