"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again." - Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." - Nelson Mandela
"It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what's changed is you." - F. Scott Fitzgerald
I've said it before adulting is hard. Being 23 is hard. I'm not sure what I was talking about before but I think it was because it was new and I was being optimistic. But 23 is just as tough as adulting. All those articles are right! Though, I'm pretty sure Blink-182 was wrong- people still like you- you just may feel like they don't.
I've personally never felt more irrelevant in my life. Maybe I always was. This is the problem with social media and moving home after graduation when no one else does. My high school friends moved from good, while my college friends are still in Akron. If you had told me back in 2010 that I would ever miss Akron I would've told you that you were crazy! Honestly, truly, certifiably crazy! And almost every day since I moved home after graduation. I miss Akron. Sure I can go back and visit but it's absolutely not the same.
So if you can't go back, the only way to continue is to move on and forward. Living in the present is necessary while also knowing and understanding what you're working for in the future.
"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grow up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know for your kids, the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but i miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." - Garden State
I can honestly say- adulting is the hardest thing I've done in my life. Everything I've done in my life up until now, while challenging has basically been a breeze! Debt, unemployment and loneliness. I've never had a harder time. I'm so used to succeeding that this constant state of rejection and not having a definite direction is exhausting. I'm not one of those people that thrives being indecisive.
I know I'm not alone. I know other people have been in my shoes and will be in my shoes and I know in the end everything will work out as it should. It's just a difficult adjustment to not being so on the ball.
xx,
KJB
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